Justa Jook Guest Opinion

Share your idea • If you'd like to submit a guest opinion that addresses local issues of political and social significance, send an e-mail to the editorial page editor at opinion@stress-citizen. com. Submissions can not be anonymous, however.

Throughout the years we at Big Media have watched the number of weblogs or "blogs" increase dramatically, with the kind of repulsed fascination usually reserved for really big boogers dripping from a toddler's nose, or the enormous vomit patches outside the Airliner.

I joined the blog watch back in 2001, shortly after my graduation with a masters in the journalistic arts. I quickly identified the rising popularity of the blog as the largest direct threat to an ongoing payment of my meager salary. Therefore, as a member of the "fourth estate," that ever-vigilant watchdog of free speech, I took it upon myself to quash the proliferation of these unauthorized pseudo-editorials whenever the opportunity presented itself.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the printing press. I actually read a blog. Not the "what my pet fish did last night" or "how to knit your own tank" kind of blog, either. A news blog. With links. It seemed oddly articulate for a guy who's pecking away at a keyboard at home in some bathrobe while watching 'The Young and the Restless'. So I looked up the profile.

The author was a well-known individual, with lots of initials after his name all signifying degrees more advanced than mine. I was stunned. What happened to the image of a fat guy in tattered underwear, scratching himself as he wiped the Cheetos crumbs off his return key? The uneducated letter-to-the-editor type who wore tinfoil hats to keep the alien thoughts away? This was not right. Not right at all. This guy could've had my job. If the paper could afford to pay him.

I sent a quick email to my editor with the link. I pitched the story: a legitimate opinion from a credentialed blogger. Intelligent commentary being published gratis for public consumption by an individual who was actually preeminent in the field. It was an explosive concept. I needed verification to ensure it wasn't some elaborate hoax by the moonies over at the Post.

The response from my editor was immediate. She came into my office bearing a huge file and a triple espresso. She told me to drink the espresso and wade through the file, then we'd talk. She cautioned me against revealing anything about what I'd found before we met again. I took the file.

Two hours later, I'd seen enough. Page after page of insightful, reflective commentary, from hundreds of different blogs, all written by credentialed, intelligent, rational people who decidedly did not hang around in tattered underwear. I couldn't help picturing a few of the hot women in thongs, but that's another story. I took the file back to my editor's office, closing the door behind me.

Long story short, my editorial was canned. But not because of the paycheck issue. As my editor said, we are the champions of free speech and would never knowingly stifle the open exchange of ideas by mischaracterization or slander. No. It's to protect the public. For the greater good.

You see, Joe Public is the guy sitting around in his underwear, eating Cheetos and drinking a Bud. Joe Public relies on us, members of the mainstream media, for all his original thoughts and ideas. Joe Public appreciates us. He buys our paper, which pays our salary. He does this because he believes we're smarter than everyone else. We have an inside track on truth, the news, and he trusts us to tell him how to think. If Joe Public were to find out that there are hundreds, no, thousands of people out there who do not sit around in their pajamas and wait to be told what to think by the media, he'd be appalled. He might start to wonder about our credentials, question our authority. He might tell his Joe Public friends. They'd all be upset, confused. God forbid this happen in an election year. It could be like that movie where everyone voted "None of the Above." But scarier.

To avoid that unimaginable chaos, I agreed to bury the story. Instead, I quoted some piece in the Des Moines Register by a guy named Fuson, talking about bloggers in underwear, Cheech and Chong, and teeth-gnashing. Something safe. Something soothing.

When I arrived at the office the next day, the IT guy was just finishing up with my laptop. I went to delete the link to my find, the Insightful Blog. But I thought I might just have a peek at it first, to see if the author had anything extraordinary to say. I clicked the link. "Access to this web page is restricted at this time . . ." the screen read. Just as well.

Reach Justa Jook, an anonymous reporter-type, at anonymousnameless1@yahoo.com.

This is a satire website. If you confuse this with an original Press-Citizen story, please have your IQ checked immediately.